Sandpaper Letters

Miro Zephyr's Birth Story: Part Two (Labor and Birth!)

PART TWO: Labor and Birth!

(See lots of photos to illustrate this story in this flickr set)

Colin got back and I was out of the shower.  We settled down in the nerditorium and put an episode of Sherlock from last season on, thinking it'd be a nice distraction - on the theory that one ignores contractions for as long as possible.  As we ate I timed contractions which were continuing on a roughly one to one and a half minute duration and coming every two to five minutes.  Although they were progressing into more discomfort I was still able to focus on the show when they were happening.

We called Mollie again at about 8:30 to let her know that, yes, we were officially calling this It!  We agreed to call back when things intensified and put on some Futurama for more distractions.  [MORE CASTOR OIL DETAILS REDACTED]  9ish or 9:30 is when I'd say active labor kicked in, where I was having to think about contractions and they were progressing from "uncomfortable" to "ouch!"  Around 9:40 Colin finally talked me into calling Mollie again - I'd been holding off until I thought she really for sure should be there - and she said she'd head over.

Once active labor started my contractions had settled into the pattern they'd have for most of the night - and it was pretty funky!  Instead of staying regular, or getting consistently longer/closer together, they varied a lot.  Although none were shorter than a minute, they'd be between a minute and a half and four (or even five, or six!) minutes apart. And some were like multiple contractions all in a row, peaking two or three time, lasting up to three+ minutes.  Fun!

Mollie arrived and set up all the birthing gear while Colin continued to support me during contractions. I went between the ball, walking around (and leaning on Colin), and eventually ended up in a kind of semi-reclined state on the couch leaning back into Colin.  This was a great position, weirdly.  I was able to brace my foot against the couch arm during contractions and melt back into him in between.  Those longer, weird 5 or 6 minute breaks were great and I know we both dozed off a few times. Check out this photo of crazy belly action mid-contraction:

Mostly it was just Colin and me on our own with Mollie coming in every half hour or so to check baby's heart rate.  She also got some rest - the poor woman had been up since 5 that morning having attended another birth already that day! But although we weren't timing them she clearly was paying attention and apparently (I was told later) my contractions started to come more like every 2 minutes.

That's when I had our first internal check of the night.  I was torn between being terribly curious and having that dread of what-if I wasn't very far along?  So far the pain had been manageable.  Super intense, extremely strong, but something I could handle.  Yet I had that worry in my head about the possibility of having to keep doing it for hours and hours if I was progressing slowly... if that's how it had to be I was game, sure.  But it wasn't exactly my preferred plan!

One of the worst parts of the whole labor was actually the contraction that hit when I laid down flat as she was about to do the check.  I was stuck in that position for the duration of the contraction and it was by far the most painful and unpleasant of the whole night!  I truly feel for people who end up being required to labor in a position not of their choosing (be it back or whatever else), because - damn, dude.  That is NOT okay.

ANYWAY!  Fortunately when she checked, I was at ~7.5 cm dialation!   Yeah!  I'd been told that VBAC'ers are often fixated on getting Farther Than Last Time and I have to admit that was a little true for me, too (I was about at 4-5 cm when Kai's breech was discovered before).  I was also happy because I knew that 7.5 cm meant Transition was either underway or coming soon, and typically pain allegedly peaks at that point but doesn't get any worse.  Which meant I could DEFINITELY do this thing.  I think around this time Midwife #2, Laurel, also arrived.

Mollie then asked if I wanted to get into the birthing tub, already set up in the kitchen, and I was all for it.  I made it in and - OMG.  It was the Best. Feeling. Ever.  I had a long, long break in contractions right after I got in and it was so refreshing, relaxing, and totally soothing.  

Looking back on it, I actually can't remember how long I was in there.  I mean, I know I got in around 2 AM and Miro was officially born at 5:55.  But if I had to go by my memory of the experience alone, I really wouldn't be able to say if I was in there for half an hour or four hours.  It was like time compressed and distorted.  Labor la-la land.

I was in there for (???) amount of time - not too long, I don't think though - before I got the first pushy feeling.  I had expected it to feel odd and different after my previous dilation contractions, but wow!  It was still surprising how, even so.  A wracking, whole-body sensation that is honestly impossible to describe.

The tub was super, because it meant I could fluidly go between squatting or kneeling with my head against the edge during the Pushy moments, and reclining in between contractions to rest, without having to fight gravity.  Colin had a chair next to the tub and kept foisting drinking water on me (he said I went through something like 7 big glasses during that time, damn), and holding my hands as needed.  We had thought I might want him to get in with me but I ended up moving around so much and liking the space that he stayed out.

Eventually the pushy contractions were the only ones I was feeling, and although they were by far the most intense and consuming sensations so far they definitely hurt less than the previous ones.  Yet they were so intense that the only possible, involuntary response was for me to give out a kind of deep scream-y roar.  It was actually kind of awesome, looking back on it - I would not have expected those noises to come out of me!  (I kept resting my head on the edge of the tub and the next day I was like, "Huh, what's this weird sore spot on my forehead?  Oh wait... that's from the tub.  Oops."  I, um, also may or may not have bit the side of the tub and left teeth marks.)

The next super weird thing to happen was, well, the actual birthing process.  Each stage was stranger than the last - at first, I was able to kinda reach up and feel the actual bag of waters bulging out.  After awhile it finally burst and then the real pushing phase got underway.  

Apparently I pushed for a lot longer than most people do, somewhere between 2.5 and three hours.  But it didn't FEEL that long.  Really! I could feel that this was happening - his head went forward a bit, then back, but always making a tiny bit of forward progress each time.  My contractions still were spaced out as well, so I only had that pushing urge every 3-5 minutes which also slowed things down.  After he was born we realized that he was actually ever so slightly askew, evidenced by his nose being a bit crooked and there being a funny lump on his head just off center.  This is probably why it took so long!  It could also be why labor didn't start days earlier.  Interior malpositioning can do that.

That said as he was crowning it was really a good thing that I went so slowly (with Mollie's encouragement).  The human body is absolutely amazing in that we have this ability to stretch and accommodate babies with 14 inch (and more!) head circumferences.  Feeling that transition and stretching made it so clear how well the process of two steps forward, one step back can work.

Finally a really intense pushing urge came on though, and, BOOM - out with his head!  I felt a small tear as he came out but I could feel it it wasn't serious.  YAY.  We could all look down and see his head moving around (and let me tell you how weird THAT particular sensation was: EXTREMELY VERY SUPER WEIRD).  Annoyingly my contractions were still spaced out enough that it felt like ages before the next pushing urge came and I was able to get the rest of him out - though it was probably only a couple of minutes, although I remember complaining that this was TAKING SO LONG AND I WOULD LIKE IT TO BE DONE NOW - and then!  Out he was!  Right into me and Mollie's hands. Catching my own baby: pretty damn great.

Up onto my chest he went, under blankets , all damp and squirmy and expressing his vocal displeasure at this situation.  Totally lovely and looking quite perfect.

Now, here's where the "fun" part begins!  Mollie said that because of the amount of blood she could see in the tub, my placenta was probably detaching right quick.  We decided I'd get out to deliver it, so onto the kitchen floor I went.  With the next contraction it slid on out, along with... perhaps more blood than is normal?  The next thing I know things got a little bit fuzzy.  The cord was cut and Colin had Miro, and then suddenly everyone was all, "HEY JESS STAY WITH US" and I was thinking, "Uh, did I go somewhere? I'm right here, oh, huh, they're all putting me on the ground and raising up my feet and everything looks quite starry whooooaaaa."  

It turns out I kind of lost consciousness or something while staring straight ahead and it was apparently scary and unsettling for everyone!  Thus began the three hours of me laying down on the kitchen floor.  Fortunately all the bleeding came right at delivery and everything afterwards was normal (by which I mean: No actual hemorrhaging).  My blood pressure dropped down to a slightly alarmingly low number, but!  Thankfully! After laying down and a couple of IV bags of fluid I was feeling much better (and my BP went back up too).

Miro was still able to come and snuggle with me under a big ol' pile of blankets, though.  I firmly believe this helped me recover!  We also were able to help him latch on and start breastfeeding almost as soon as I was laying down and had a clear head.  Even with the drama of me being all dizzy and faint, I have to say, it was amazing having him right there and able to start that nursing relationship immediately.  With Kai, because of my c-section and hemorrhage and aaaaaaaaaall the drugs haze it was 6 or 7 hours before we first tried breastfeeding.  Then because of his suspected, yet totally non-existent, infection he was in the NICU for two days. Not exactly the best way to start breastfeeding.  Instant latch: MUCH better.

After a couple hours and me still trying to get up the gumption to stand up and walk upstairs to bed, the suggestion of hospital transfer was brought up. Mollie basically said that they could transfer me and what the hospital would likely do is monitor BP and give me more IV fluids, which they could do at home. I declined, and she also said that if I was still unable to get up and walk around in an hour or so, or if my BP dropped again, it would no longer be a choice and we WOULD be going to the hospital.  Fair enough!

This was great motivation. I damn sure wasn't going to go to the damn hospital if I could help it, not after pushing out a baby in my kitchen like a BOSS.  Fortunately my BP went back up, and I was able to stand up and get upstairs and get into my bed.  Best feeling ever.

At that point Mollie and Laurel did the newborn exams.  Miro was 21 inches long and weighed 8lbs15oz, which given that he'd produced a prodigious quantity of meconium before being weighed means he was basically 9 lbs at birth.  Dang!  (I was way entertained by this, given that the ominous, vaguely threatening ultrasound tech four weeks earlier had predicted him to be 9lbs at the time of that ultrasound.  Hahahaha right.)  For comparison's sake, Kai was 7 lbs at birth and 19 inches long, though a whole 2 weeks earlier as well.

After I got a couple of small stitches (nothing major, hooray!) we were left on our own - for cuddling, napping, and generally settling in.  I felt so happy, even with the slight sketchiness at the end.  I was particularly pleased with how unobtrusive Mollie and Laurel were.  Most of the time it was just me and Colin, with Mollie only coming over to check heart tones.  She was clearly paying very close attention to my sounds and motion, though, because every time something changed she would be right there, making sure everything was OK, and then fading away again.  (I complimented her on this afterwards and clearly it's all about reading what the individual laboring family needs - the birth earlier that day apparently required both midwives to be making eye contact and talking mom through every contraction.)  She said that I seemed quite intuitive and generally on top of things and that her instinct was not to interfere, and she was definitely right.  Then, of course, at the end they were extremely responsive and took very good care of me when I actually needed it!

All in all: Immensely satisfying, and about as good a labor as I could ever have hoped for (minus the icky stuff at the end). Truly one of life's great experiences.  And, to be completely honest, I'm glad I never have to do it ever again. :)

Miro Zephyr's Birth Story: Part One (Context and pre-Labor)

So, let's talk about how this kid finally made his appearance!  This is quite long.  I loved reading birthing stories heavy on the details.  I found having a lot of very real, very detailed information was extremely useful to me in feeling out what the full range of labors can be like, and I want to give that back to someone else if they feel they need it.  This is Part One, covering up to the point of labor actually starting.  WARNING:  Both parts of this story will contain icky body-stuff details, if you're sensitive to that kinda thing (but it's a labor and birth story, whaddaya expect?).

KAI; or, LAST TIME, on JESS HAS A BABY:

Read Kai's full birth story here for part one, and here for part two. Or, the TL;DR summary: After planning a hippie birth center birth with midwives in San Francisco, my water broke 4 days before my due date.  An elevated temperature came with active labor so instead of birth center we went to backup hospital where we found Kai had flipped that very day into sketchy breech position.  Emergency cesarean followed and I hated it and lots of lame things happened as a result (even though as c-sections go it wasn't too bad).  Vowed NEVER AGAIN unless another risky emergency presented itself.  

MIRO; or, ROUND TWO - leading up to labor:

We waited the requisite 2 years recommended before attempting a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean) to give us the lowest risk possible starting point.  VBACs are considered safe - I have citations if you want 'em - and although one's risk of uterine rupture is VERY slightly increased, the risks of a repeat cesarean are, in my opinion, greater.  We knew that we did NOT hell no no thank you want to be in a hospital if possible, but living only a few blocks from one of the largest hospital birth wings in California gave us confidence that if an emergency did happen at home we would be well suited to receive care as needed.

We signed on with Mason and Mollie at Nova Midwifery for prenatal care.  They thought we were great candidates for home VBAC, and throughout the pregnancy we found them to be just the right combination of attentive and hands-off.  Aside from me being so very very over pregnancy as a concept and beyond out of it and exhausted by the end, everything was quite routine.  Given Kai's performance and the nagging worry that maybe he was a MISSED breech, not a flipped breech, we had an ultrasound at 37w6d to make SURE Miro was head down, though!  (He was.) During which the tech Very Seriously predicted he was Overly Large and said he was Definitely... exactly the weight he ended up being at birth almost four weeks later. Riiiight.

Miro's due date - of which we were VERY confident given the charting etc. that went into conception! - was 1/1/13. Because Kai arrived a few days before his due dates, and babies from the same mom are often pretty similar timing wise, we fully expected Miro to crash Christmas.  Or Colin's birthday on the 27th.  Or New Year's Eve.  Or... really any time BEFORE his EDD.  

But we sat.  I had phased out of work just before the holidays, partially because the nature of my job would make it difficult for me to stop mid-stream (too many things to hand off), and partially because I was so exhausted I literally couldn't see straight much of the time.  The end of this pregnancy was much more difficult and tiring and achy than the end of Kai's.  I couldn't even sit up at the computer and spent hours reading popcorn sci-fi on my side in bed in the only comfortable positions I could find. And then I kept doing that for... almost two weeks after my due date.

The best part is how from 12/27 onwards, I was having what can be referred to as "prodromal labor." On and off, on and off.  Regular contractions that even edged into "uncomfortable" (though not painful).  Sometimes as often as every five minutes for a few hours; more often every 10-20 minutes all. damn. day.  Some days they'd disappear entirely; other days they'd be back with JUST enough intensity to make me think we were finally getting on with things!

At 41 weeks we tried various home induction methods; they didn't work.  By 41 weeks and 4 days, I was getting a little desperate.  Here's the thing: If I had a normal, unscarred uterus I would have been VERY okay with letting things go on as long as they needed to naturally.  As uncomfortable and done as I was, I believe babies cook for as long as they need to and that even past 42 weeks things can still be fine as long as you monitor the baby's health and keep a careful eye on things.  But as a VBAC'er attempting a home birth with midwives, I was rapidly approaching the point where I was going to risk out of being able to give birth at home and start facing the hospital, probably pitocin-augmented, induction.  Bad bad bad for lots of reasons, not the least of which my rupture risks would rise and my chance of a VBAC would plummet the second pitocin became involved. 

So, faced with this dilemma, on Saturday the 12th and with midwife Mollie's advice, we sent Kai to his grandma's house and I took the nuclear option of "natural" induction techniques: 4 oz of delicious Castor Oil, down the hatch.  Studies have shown this is effective in women between 40 and 42 weeks; those who take it at this time have a 50-60% chance of going into labor within 24 hours (compared to the control groups' ~3-4% chance).  Castor oil works by stimulating digestive cramping and prostaglandin production in the body, bringing on labor.  And, um.  A LOT of time on the toilet, for most people.  And in many, some pretty gnarly stomach cramps and sometimes vomiting and, really, it isn't pretty and there's a reason it's not recommended unless you are Very Desperate.  The biggest risk is dehydration from all the toilet-stuff; we stocked up on coconut water and snacks and a big ol' bottle of oil.  At 1 PM, down it went, cut with a little root beer.  Ugh.  Gross.

Usually it takes  about 20 minutes to 2 hours to kick in, then 6 hours of toilet stuff, then labor (if it's going to work).  For me... I took it and waited.  And waited. Midwife Mollie called me at about 4:40 PM and I grumbled that the one side effect I hadn't expected was for nothing whatsoever to happen at all.  We hung up and I went back to being annoyed that EVEN THIS wasn't working.

Then, almost immediately after we hung up, I started up with what felt like the usual prodromal labor contractions.  I tried not to get too excited since this sort of thing had been happening every night for days.  But this time, the contractions stuck around.  And were way more frequent than before - lasting 30-60+ seconds and coming every 2-5 minutes.  And definitely well, well into "uncomfortable" territory (though not yet painful still).  At 5 PM [CASTOR OIL DETAILS REDACTED], and I thought maybe my mucus plug was going also.  At that point I told Colin what was up and said he should go grab our takeout dinner NOW since I thought things might be starting up.  

At 5:40, I called Mollie back and let her know that perhaps I had been a bit hasty when I said nothing was happening!  I promised to keep her posted and took a shower while Colin went out for our food.  I think the shower was when I decided that this was probably happening tonight: it felt SO AMAZING.  Normally I'm kinda meh on showers (I know, I'm weird), but I was SO INTO this shower that it was obvious something was happening in my brain that wasn't normal!  Then the rest of the mucus plug and a very obvious bloody show afterwards supported this theory.

That's where I'll end this part.  We were at that point pretty darn sure we'd be having a baby that night or the next day, and excited to get the heck on with it!  And indeed we did - I'll post Part 2 after I can get it written down.

Strange Bedfellows; or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying About Hating Cosleeping

Kai happily playing on his own bed in his own room, post-nap

I've been very lucky in my limited time as a parent so far. Most of the things I theorized about what having a baby would be like have been confirmed by the experience. Not buying a stroller and using slings/carriers instead: totally the right decision. Elimination communication and cloth diapering: Going awesomely. And most importantly, Colin and I made a conscious decision that we would not think of Kai as a presence for whom we needed to change everything; rather, we wanted to try to find ways to integrate him into our life and passions as much as possible. By and large, so far, so awesome.

At the same time, in such a huge life transition there are always going to be surprises! Recently I got a huge lesson in how to let go of my preconceptions and really pay attention to what my child was trying to tell me when we decided to stop trying to cosleep.

Why I hated cosleeping.

When preparing for Kai I knew that I wanted to cosleep, at least at first. It seemed so aligned with all of our child-centered, vaguely-AP style. In our specific micro-culture cosleeping seems to be the established norm. What's not to love? The baby is right there, and I wouldn't even have to wake up fully to feed him in the night. Just roll over, latch on, and drift back to sleep. Right?

For me? Wrong. Although I figured out side-lying nursing pretty quickly, it turns out that I absolutely can't sleep when feeding Kai. Believe me, I tried for almost six months, and almost every time I was awake the entire feeding. Moreover, the positions in which I sleep are not compatible with having an infant in bed (too much blanket bunching and cocooning). And again, believe me when I say I tried to teach myself to sleep in different positions. For months. It didn't work. For what it's worth, Kai didn't seem to like sleeping next to me, either. Even when I tried to make it work, whenever he slept next to my body, any time he came into contact with me his instinct was to push and stretch and kick until I moved away. (Gee, Jess, maybe you could have taken his hint that he needed more space?)

We got around the sleep position issue by having our mattress on the floor and placing a crib mattress alongside it. When Kai woke up, I pulled him into our bed, fed him, and put him back on his mattress. Easy peasy.

For the first couple of months, it WAS easy. His sleep was fairly straightforward - consolidated at night with two or three wake-ups, and overall trending towards gradually longer stretches at a time. When he was one day shy of two months old he slept for seven hours straight, and I thought I had won the baby lottery.

Ha ha ha ha! Literally the very next day, the slow reversal began. His trend towards longer stretches flipped and the time between waking to nurse got shorter and shorter and shorter. Within a few weeks he was waking every hour and a half on average - sometimes less frequently, but often more.

Maybe if I had been able to do full-on cosleeping, where I really could just roll over and feed him and fall back asleep, this would have been manageable. But as it was it took a huge toll on me. Colin tried to convince me that having Kai in the same room as us was disrupting his (that is, Kai's) sleep, that Colin and I were waking him up in the night, and that and maybe it was time to move him to his own room. All I could think, though, was that this couldn't possibly be true. Babies are evolutionarily designed to sleep with their family, right? I blamed the sleep issues I was having on me and my inability to sleep through feeding. Moreover, I thought moving him to his own room wouldn't change anything, and thus would involve me getting out of bed seven times a night. Ugh. This sounded like even more of a nightmare than sleep already was.

What caused us to change our approach.

Cue our six month pediatrician visit in mid-December. The doctor asked how sleep was going, and we told her. I put a much more positive spin on it, mind you, because I was still convinced that I was Doing the Right Thing, as much as I wasn't enjoying it. And although Dr. Meezan was careful to emphasize that we should make our own choices, she gave us her pitch: we could either full-on commit to long-term cosleeping (like, potentially until age 2 or 3 or more), or we could consider moving Kai to his own room while he was still a younger infant, before object permanence set in. She even recommended sleep training, if we were up for it; Ferber and other Cry It Out options were mentioned.

Colin was immediately on board, but I was more skeptical. CIO sleep training was one of those things I thought was pretty black and white regarding my own parenting practice. Although I didn't buy the argument that it does long term damage to children (I personally believe they are more resilient than that), I was utterly convinced it was the wrong choice for *me*. But Colin and I talked it over and we decided that we would at least give it a try even though I was still reluctant. The worst that could happen was some rough nights and finding out for sure that it wouldn't work for us.

How we started the shift.

We couldn't start him in his own room right away, because we had a two week period of family and friends coming to visit for Christmas. Not exactly the best time for sleep training. This turned out to be a blessing, because it meant that we were able to ease into it. I believe that this was absolutely key to what happened next.

At first, I started to try and stretch out Kai's first feeding to a little bit later. His first sleep stretch was always the longest, usually around two and a half hours. So instead of feeding him at 10:30 when we went to bed, I pushed it back a little bit more every night. We aimed for midnight. He kept waking up at his old feeding time and there were a few rough nights of crying, but we didn't do the CIO-alone thing. We patted and held and comforted and helped him go back to sleep without feeding. The crying stretches got shorter and shorter: his body adjusted to the new schedule, and I could clearly tell he was no longer waking up hungry before midnight. After midnight I fed on demand for the rest of the night.

Two weeks and this was fairly solidified. Though he still woke up a bit when we came up to our room to bed, he was going back to sleep more easily. Then came the Big Night when we put him on his floor bed in his room.

We were prepared for a TERRIBLE night. We had all the Ferber timetables cued up and ready to go.¹ Even people who succeed with Ferber talk about how the first few nights are the worst, and that one should be prepared for a couple hours of full-on screaming for the first week. Gulp. I planned to do feedings at, I think, 12:30 and 4? I was really dreading it, especially since I still wasn't fully on board with the whole plan.

So, what happened?

Um. He slept for six hours. I fed him when he awoke at 1:30, and then again when he woke up at 5:45. After which he slept until 7:40.

So apparently I have a kid who, uh, likes his own space. Not that he tried to tell me that before or anything. Ha!

For two more nights, he woke up twice, around 1:30 and 5ish. And then? THEN. He transitioned, on his own, to pretty much only waking up ONE TIME. Since then, that one wakeup has been trending later. Last night he slept for nine hours, ate, and then slept for another two and a half. A couple of times he's slept through entirely without any feedings. For context, just five weeks ago he woke up eight times.

This still boggles my MIND.

For full disclosure, we did end up doing a few Ferber-style progressive-checking CIO instances. But truly, only a few. Like maybe five, in the past month, all near the beginning of the process. And generally the crying is mild (more like fussing) and only lasts for 5, maybe 10 minutes at most. Then he puts himself back to sleep.

Was this, like, magic?

It sure felt like magic. Still does. Although I believe moving him to his own room was the biggest, most crucial part of this shift, I actually think there are a bunch of factors at work here.

*He was showing signs of changing sleep patterns. Right around six months his naps suddenly shifted (with no effort from me) from these random, 20-45-minute catnaps to a very regular two-per-day schedule. Morning naps suddenly extended to anywhere between 1-2 hours. I think he was ready to consolidate more, and I'm not convinced moving him to his room significantly earlier would have had quite such a dramatic result. (Though it probably would have been a big improvement anyway.)

*He started eating more solid foods on top of still breastfeeding a lot, and thus way increasing his daytime caloric intake. This boy LOVES TO EAT, and I think the solids definitely helped curb the reverse cycling² thing he had going on.

*Having him in another room meant we really LISTENED to his cries. I finally learned to distinguish his half-awake fussing cries from his full on I-need-services cries. Instead of swooping in and ensuring that he woke up fully, giving him 30 seconds or a minute to work it out and go back to sleep changed everything. And, of course, our noises were no longer waking HIM up (I now think Colin was right on the mark there).

The important lesson for me.

Here's the thing. I had this idea of what nighttime parenting SHOULD look like. In retrospect it clearly wasn't working, yet I was unable to see that another approach might be appropriate. Even though Kai was giving me signals about what he needed that I just wasn't receiving. Going forward, I think it is important for me to remember this experience so that I can more critically examine the choices I make.

I know that this doesn't by any means guarantee perfect sleep forever. Ha! If only. As the awesome Moxie says, sleep is not linear. We've got the supposed 8-9 month sleep regression on the horizon, to say nothing of the adventures we're sure to have with our choice of foregoing the crib for a floor bed. But I think I can be pretty confident that the nights of seven, eight, or even nine wake-ups are unlikely to return in any significant long-term form. And I can guarantee you that Kai, Colin, and myself are ALL better off for that!<sup>3



1</sup>_{For those who are unfamiliar with the Ferber CIO method, it involves checking and briefly comforting the crying child at increasing intervals until the child falls asleep. There's more to it than that, but that's the gist.}

²_{Reverse cycling is where a baby tends to feed more frequently at night than during the day. This often happens when breastfeeding mothers are working during the day, though clearly it can happen even when the baby is with mom all day.}

³_{Well, at least, not 'til we have another kid. Haha.}

On Outdoor Kindergartens, and some Montessori Musings

This morning, this video came up on a natural playscape discussion group I belong to:

"Outdoor Preschool: Norway" on YouTube

Please watch this if you have the time and have children, think you might want to have children, are a teacher, or care at all about education.

Reading and watching things about "forest kindergartens" (as they are often called) is the only time I've felt my devotion to Montessori education challenged at all. But before I go into that, I need to have a bit of a squee in bullet point form about how many things I LOVE in this video. (If you don't have the time or inclination to watch the video, you can read on for the highlights.)

-The factoid that there used to be "only" a dozen of these schools in Norway, and now there are hundreds. Norway, for your reference, has a population of 4.9 million people. The greater Bay Area has a population of 7 million people. I wish there was "only" a dozen forest kindergartens here, to say nothing of hundreds!

-The children spend more time indoors when they're younger, but when they are older they spend the day outside at least three days a week. "Older" is defined as "three."

-The rest time in sleeping bags in the tipi! That was just charming.

-The teacher's awareness of not passing on her own opinions about the comfort of the weather. If anything proves that attitudes towards "cold" and "hot" are culturally constructed, an outdoor kindergarten in Norway sure does.

-The part where the teacher pulls out a real hammer and saw to show the children, and then the shot of the child using a real knife to whittle his boat parts. I think I actually squealed with delight out loud when I got to that part.

-The factoid about how children who have regular nature access have better motor development than children who play on artificial playgrounds.

-The way they are able to follow the children's interests without having to adhere to a rigid schedule.

-Regarding the clam: "Shall we have it for lunch?" "Yes, it looks good" - I just LOVED that.

-Likening the clam's edibility to mushrooms - "It's just like mushrooms" - which of course implies the children know about mushrooms too.

-The whole scene with the boy starting the day's fire. Just - the way she calmly intervenes when he's doing it unsafely, then shows him how to do it. Look at his face after he starts the fire successfully. He is beaming with pride and capability!

-The quotation from the teacher: "Everything is dangerous! It's dangerous to drive to the kindergarten, get on a bus or plane." Also, I love how their concern when it gets dark is that children could get lost… and wander into a traffic roundabout. That is a REAL risk assessment, based on reality, not on fantasies of lurking horrors ready to harm children.

-The 20% average proportion of men working in outdoor kindergartens versus a European average of 1-2% is incredible.

-The children going on a 1600 foot elevation change hike over four miles in an afternoon. Just… wow. WOW.

* * *

I've been thinking a lot lately about how you could combine elements of a forest kindergarten with a traditional Montessori environment. Is it even possible to mix them, or does one just need to choose one or the other?

(I'll be interspersing some photos I took on the two camping trips Elina and I led back in 2009 - which remain pretty much the most fun I've ever had on a job. Unfortunately none of these are the very best photos, since I'm not making public any that clearly show the children's faces without parental consent - but you'll just have to trust me that they were totally radiant.)





I deeply love the Montessori materials and method: the way it gives children the tools to understand and manipulate the world around them continues to inspire me. However, I do not think we are doing our children a service by keeping the inside when it rains. Playtime should be more than an hour on some manufactured equipment in the yard. There is more to the development of the mathematical mind than the golden bead material. And children ABSOLUTELY shouldn't be learning about botany merely by putting together a wooden parts-of-the-flower puzzle.





One possibility: One could do maybe every day with a morning work cycle in the classroom and the afternoon spent outdoors. Unfortunately, licensing requirements generally state that children under 4 must have a rest period every day. So dividing it up like that would exclude the younger napping children, or those who only do half-days. Not ideal. Moreover, this doesn't allow children to get the full rhythm of the day outdoors. Seeing the shadows change with the sun, or seeing the weather patterns shift in the afternoon, is part of the whole point.





Another possibility: Do 2-3 days per week in the classroom with Montessori work periods, and 2-3 days outdoors. I wonder how children would adapt to the different routines on different days, and if they would still be able to have as rich of an experience with the Montessori materials? I have become more and more skeptical that children really NEED two Montessori work cycles every day, but I'm not sure about doing something different on different days. Hmm.





Here's the thing. Children come out of three years in a Montessori classroom as exceptionally capable, confident, thoughtful, and academically secure individuals. But clearly there are other ways of guiding children to acquire these traits. As a teacher and, now, as a parent, I want to be sure that I'm looking at all the possibilities for how to raise well-rounded and happy human beings… and being outside more seems like a pretty great way to get there.



Do any experienced Montessorians have opinions about this? Parents? Otherwise interested parties?

5 Months

One of the things about having a baby that I didn't expect (but totally should have, given my years of teaching experience) is the gradual way that things change. I think to myself: "Oh, when did he start doing [thing?] I should write about that." But then I'd think, it's just one small change, and I have plenty of time to try to capture more of his milestones in writing.

And then I turn around and I realize all those tiny changes accumulate, and all of a sudden he's 5 months old as of yesterday. He can support his weight on his legs if we hold his arms, and he's sitting up (with judicious use of pillow support, of course). He has all these… facial expressions. And sounds! So many different babble sounds. And the other day I gave him a tiny taste of hachiya persimmon on my finger, and when I offered a bit more, he LUNGED at my hand and stuffed it in his face and sucked madly on it. Uh, okay dude, apparently you want to taste more food.

And I see him chilling out on his stomach pushing up alternately on his knees and arms… he even does that when he's shifting position while sleeping, like his body KNOWS it needs to try to crawl, even when it wakes him up and he screams because he doesn't WANT to be awake.

I have a feeling we really can't procrastinate too much more on the childproofing of our house.

Everywhere I go, people constantly comment on how alert and aware and interested he is in what's going on. I don't know if this is because he's small for his age, so people peg him as younger, or if they say that about all the babies, or if that really is a noticeably more intense part of his particular personality. Sure, there are some things he just hates -- being in the car seat for a long time being chief among them, as we learned after the drive to and from Yosemite last weekend. But we've yet to find his tolerance limit for being carried around outside while looking at things. His favorite directions are Up and Out, and he'll often crane his neck into crazy contortions to see more trees and sky.

Oh yeah, that hat? The reason it looks so weird is, uh... we sort of lost his hat on the way to Yosemite. And it was seriously chilly. But never fear: a rubber band, a spare pair of baby pants, and a bit of MacGyver creativity resulted in a brand new hat! Well, close enough, anyway.

Finally, he's figured out that Colin and I are important. When Colin brings Kai upstairs after he's had him in the morning, it's all gummy grins and giggles for me. And when Kai hears Colin's voice after he comes home at night, he cranes his neck around until he sees him, and more gummy grins and drooling and gleeful giggles ensue. Like we're some kind of celebrities. It is DAMNED delightful, people.

I'm not sure what we did to deserve that kind of adoration - we did THIS to him for Halloween, after all.

The Best Christmas Ever

By last Christmas, we knew we would be moving to a house in Oakland soon. Our apartment, TimeCube, was amazing, but it was unquestionably a deathtrap in terms of small children. (To say nothing of having no internal doors, which meant that we could expect to have guests basically never.) It was very hard facing the decision to move, because we LOVED that apartment. It was our first home together, and what a great space it was.

So: as a Christmas present last year, Colin got me the BEST THING EVER. He spent hours secretly using the lego CAD software to create a custom lego kit: an incredibly accurate model of TimeCube. Of course, things needed to be simplified; but overall? The details were captured perfectly. Putting it together was like having dozens of tiny presents all in a row as I saw the ingenious ways he portrayed our art, our washer and dryer, our roomba… the list goes on and on.

And finally we got it all the way assembled!





Many of you have been to TimeCube. But for those who haven't, so along with the lego model, I'll post photos of what the real TimeCube looked like. (The real TimeCube also was in a building of 8 units and not free-standing, obviously.)



(I don't have any pictures of our balcony with the planters on it - alas!)





You can see my earthbox planters and our BBQ smoker in the lego.



























(I don't really have pictures of the futon/guest area from TimeCube, nor do I have pictures of our downstairs bathroom or washer/dryer area… which isn't too surprising, heh.)



The only photo I could find that shows the width of TimeCube, including our modular tables.













He even included the cushion that was always sliding off of our old brown couch. <3

August Activities

Unsurprisingly, we have kept pretty busy lately!

Big projects of late:

*Working on Kai's bedroom. I have a long long post I've mostly written about his room and the Montessori philosophy behind it; hopefully we'll have the last major bits complete in the next week or two and I can take pictures and post it. I'm very happy with how it's turned out so far.

*More family visiting!

Grandma Pat:



Uncle Sean:



Uncle Bryan:



Aunt Becky came too, though I lack photographic evidence, she came bearing AWESOME gifts - Blue Footed Booby Baby feet.



*We also had a bit of free, unstructured time, and were able to go out on our first hike since Kai was born. We ended up in the East Bay Hills at the lovely Huckleberry Botanic Preserve, which was perfect this time of year as the huckleberries are coming in en masse. It was also only a couple miles from the Sibley Volcanic Regional Preserve where we did our last hike pre-Kai.



For the parts where Kai was awake, he loved looking at the patterns in the trees. He also got to pee in the woods for the first time. Milestones abound!

*Yardwork! When we moved in to this house, the front yard was a sea of poorly-applied mulch and some perfunctory, randomly placed shrubs. We were able to do a bit of work before Kai was born, including building some raised beds and planting a few other things: some succulents, a few flowers, a strawberry patch, and some artichokes.

This past week I decided to tackle the middle of the years in earnest. So far I've carved out two planting areas and made raised berms out of the huge pile of leftover dirt we didn't use in the raised beds. I also removed some of the less successful shrubbery that was here when we arrived. Now I have to big areas just waiting to be planted with exciting things. I get to go! plant! shopping! this week. Joy!



This was on Saturday - you can see Kai there all bundled up, since we had a high of like 61 that day, and it was much chillier than that in the morning. Some summer we're having. BUT! We're getting 90 degree days today and tomorrow, which is going to be AWESOME for people like me who can't get enough of the heat. I will surely make a detailed garden post when things are in place.

*Our birthin' class had a reunion at our birth center's annual picnic. Kai was the youngest of the lot, but of course all the babies are within a couple months of age. The cuteness on display was epic, guys.



*And finally, we have of course been having a great time at home with Kai. Even when he's sad, which fortunately is not often, we're super happy he's with us.



(We find this face to be much more hilarious than we probably should, haha.)

And anyway, lately he spends a great deal of time looking like this…





…which is truly the best thing ever.

Recent Achievements

I do wonder how much of a person's personality can be glimpsed when he or she is just a very tiny baby.  I know that a lot of baby habits are at least semi-universal, but there still seems to be things that Kai does which could be portentous.  (Or maybe I'm just reading way too much into nothing.  That could be it, too!)

One of his habits that I love the most is how *interested* he continues to be in things.  ALL THINGS.  Even when he's very upset about something, if he has the chance to look at something fascinating to him (like a pattern of light coming through window blinds, or a sharply contrasting black picture frame on a white wall), he'll often calm down and become totally riveted.  This has its downsides, as well: if he's not very hungry when eating he's very easily distracted by looking at interesting stuff, which can have all kinds of hilarious milk-soaked consequences.  Also, if something has caught his eye and we make the mistake of moving him in such a way that he can't see it anymore - well, there can be hell to pay there.  He has an agenda and by god we're not going to get in his way.



Something else that pisses him off is when we fail to notice he needs to pee.  This kid is not a fan of going in a diaper (and who can blame him?).  Usually if he randomly fusses for what appears to be no reason, it's because he has to pee and we can respond appropriately and give him the chance to go.  But sometimes we don't get his signals or misinterpret his cries, which results in a wet diaper and, often, an angry, angry, baby.  "DAMMIT YOU GUYS.  I HAD TO GO AND YOU MISSED IT AND NOW I AM SITTING IN MY OWN URINE. I HOPE YOU ARE HAPPY." 

Currently in his "reserving judgement" category: the ring sling.  He's happy in his mei tai carrier (where "happy" means "goes immediately to sleep," but the ring sling is a bit more hit-or-miss.  Unfortunately it's by far the easiest carrier to pop him in and out of quickly, which makes it the best option for getting things done around the house.  So for now, I'm risking his occasional wrath and using it a lot in the hopes he'll get more and more used to it.

Other exciting new and recent developments:

- Smiles!  That are probably actually deliberate rather than facial test patterns!  I think there must be some kind of hormone response upon seeing one's baby smile because it's just remarkably riveting.

- Fist chewing - he can't get the fist to his mouth deliberately just yet, but when it's there, he's like, "Hey, a thing!  I can nom on this!  NOM NOM NOM."  (Occasionally followed by, "Uh… no milk is coming out of this. DO NOT LIKE DO NOT LIKE."

- Head lifting and turning!  His head control is improving hugely, spurred on by his unending desire to see all the interesting stuff in the woooooorld.



Oh and!  My parents came for a visit the weekend before last to see their first grandchild.  I'm pretty sure that my mother's fondest wish in life since I became an adult was to be Granny someday.  She's pretty stoked that she finally got her wish.



(One might mistake my dad over there, reading Neal Stephenson over in that chair, for someone uninterested and disengaged from this whole process.  That would be a mistake.)

In closing:  Still doing awesomely, still finding each day an incredible learning experience, and still (YAY) getting enough sleep.

Flow

(I wrote this over a period of several days, which is apparently the only way I can find time to write a long blog post right now.  Please excuse any temporal/tense weirdnesses or contradictions in the following text!

Also, in the interest of getting this posted ever, I'm not inserting photos this time.  But feel free to check out our July set of Kai photos.)

Three weeks today since we've come home, and dare I say we've achieved some kind of new routine? 

Our days look something like this:

Kai wakes up around 7 AM, generally.  He eats, then Colin proves himself BEST DAD EVER and takes him downstairs for an hour or two while I catch up on the sleep sacrificed to feedings and newborn wakefulness.

Eventually I'm up (usually the next time Kai needs to eat corresponds with me feeling rested and ready for the day), and we all potter about eating breakfast.  If I'm lucky, I manage to dash around the corner to Remedy for some coffee.  For the last few days Kai has been hitting a three week growth spurt pretty hard, which means he's eating a LOT.  Often he seems to be fighting an internal battle between EAT EAT EAT and being very sleepy, which is kind of hilarious to watch.  He often wakes up from sleeping and immediately FREAKS OUT, as if he's thinking: "DAMMIT people!  I am STARVING!  Why weren't you feeding me TEN MINUTES AGO?" 

This feeding frenzy also means I eat a LOT.  The other night we had dinner, and an hour afterwards I was making myself Second Dinner out of leftovers from the fridge.    Heh.  It's nice regaining my stomach capacity post-pregnancy, that's for sure.

So far, Colin's been home every day.  He's going to start leaving the house for work again tomorrow (ETA: I meant Friday, which is now today - the little guy and I are home alone!).  Lately he's been able to slowly ramp up his involvement with his team, which is nice because it lets me practice what it'll be like to be On My Own with the wee one for full days. 

That being said: having Colin home for the first month has been absolutely indispensable.  I wish that everyone could have that luxury of full-time support from their partner for the first few weeks.  I understand much more now how postpartum depression can be so common - I would imagine that if one were suddenly thrust into this new situation, PLUS had to do it all by oneself, that it could be a very isolating, frustrating experience.  Moreover, it's given Colin time to bond with Kai right from the start.

During the daytime our routine is pretty free-form.  Colin works, and when Kai's asleep I try to work on projects like tie-dying baby clothes or puttering outside. Emphasis on TRY - it's hard to decide how to spend the sleeping baby downtime.  Get Chores Done, Do Fun Projects, or Relax, Veg Out and Read Cooking Blogs?  Oh, and also showering.  Heh.  Hard choices, friends. 

When Kai is awake, I help him engage in his other major activities and interests, which include:

*Eating eating eating eating.
*Looking at stuff.  Favorites include his high-contrast mobile, the baby in the mirror, his black and white book, our bookshelves (they're black with lots of light-colored books), the super-simple ikea clock in our bathroom, the skylight in our TV room's ceiling, and sometimes our faces.  He's gradually getting more and more interested in faces, but as Colin said yesterday, we're still no bookshelves, you know?  Watching him gaze at something with that extremely intent, slightly furrowed brow expression is pretty enthralling (and reminds me a lot of the look children have in a Montessori classroom when they're in deep flow concentration).
*Sitting on our chests like a frog.  Especially Colin's chest.  Oh man, is he ever into sitting on his dad.
*(Baby TMI alert:) Peeing and pooping in a bowl or the sink.  For the past couple of weeks we've been trying to pay attention to when he signals a need to relieve himself, and then un-diapering him and holding him over an appropriate receptacle.  Most of the time, he goes!  So far we're catching a lot of his pees, and virtually all of his major poops.  Go figure, the kid doesn't want to sit in his own waste.  Newborns: capable of WAY more than they're given credit for.  (True of most children, in fact.)  Learn more about this wacky idea at the wikipedia page for Elimination Communication: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elimination_communication

Anyway, back to our day.  Sometime in the evening we finally realize that we need to consider dinner.  At first that was mainly a lot of freezer food I prepared before Kai was born, but we've been cooking a lot more lately.  We acquired a Sous Vide Supreme last week, which is AWESOME because it means we can drop in a vacuum sealed hunk of meat, let it sit for a few hours, and then have a delicious perfectly cooked dinner whenever we're ready to eat it.  (Wikipedia on sous vide cooking here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sous-vide)  Salmon cooked sous vide is a revelation, friends.  No joke.  Best salmon EVER.  London broil is tender like filet mignon, and soft cooked eggs end up custard-like and glorious.

On the other hand, some aspects of cooking are more tricky now.  Instead of me being able to head into the kitchen to cook while Colin keeps working or whatever, two people have to be on duty: one to cook, and one to take care of Kai's needs.  Moreover, if I'm trying to make something, I have to be ready to drop what I'm doing and return to feed Kai should he require that service.  Consequently dinner has more strategy involved these days, and we're still figuring out exactly how that works.

Usually we begin winding down for the night sometime between 8 and 9, and Kai has pretty regularly been going into his longer sleep periods somewhere between 8:30 and 9:30. (+/- half an hour or so - and, uh, yeah, I have a spreadsheet.  SHUT UP.)  We try to go to sleep as soon as he's down, which has been a super strategy so far.  He's pretty good at sleeping at night - so far he tends to do a couple of 2-4 hour chunks interrupted by eating, then shorter bits until 7-ish when he wakes up more thoroughly. 

He also tends to have at least one period (sometimes two) per night where he's awake for about an hour and not eating - just trying to look at stuff and flail his limbs and practice making exciting sounds and other important baby business.  I gather you can't do too much about the timing of this when they're tiny like this except keep things quiet, dark, and super boring until they eventually get the message that the party is not happening right now and they may as well go back to sleep.  (I'm also given to understand that  this message may not be received until they're a few months old or more - oh well.)

And then, we wake up to do it all again.  Except no two days are the same, even if they are flowing together.  He's growing and changing a little bit every day - two days from now he'll be one month old exactly.  We can practically see him getting bigger.  At this rate, I'm pretty sure that next week, he'll be going to elementary school, and the month after that will be college.  Sigh.

Kai's Birth Story

Everyone in the childbirth class we took at our Birth Center has been sending out birth stories to the group as their babies have been born.  We were the last ones to go, and I just wrote this up and sent it out.  I figured I'd also post it here - it starts with my water breaking and ends with the cesarean, where the previous two posts pick up.  FYI, Serena is my midwife, who we had intended be the one to deliver Kai.  Of course, he had his own plans!

* * *

Hello everyone!

Well, the last of us in the class have finally joined the ranks of you parents.  Colin and I welcomed Kai Liotta into our lives at 6:20 AM a week ago today.  And let me tell you, he made quite a spectacular entrance!

Things kicked off when my water broke VERY thoroughly late Wednesday night/early Thursday morning.  (Luckily we'd taken the advice to cover our bed with a shower curtain under our sheets!)  Nothing showed signs of happening immediately, so after calling Serena to let her know what was up, we managed to override the excitement and get back to sleep.

The next morning I was feeling very mild sporadic contractions, but nothing remarkable.  We went out for breakfast and headed to the birth center where Serena took my blood pressure, took my temperature, let us know what our next steps would be if I did or did not go into labor on my own, and verified that the baby was indeed still in his deeply engaged head-down position.  (FORESHADOWING!)  Serena predicted I'd go into labor that night; Judi was sure they wouldn't see me before the next morning at the earliest. 

We spent the rest of the day knocking out our last things on the to-do list, cleaning house, and enjoying a relaxing day at home together.  We walked to Ethiopian food that night, and while we were at dinner contractions started to pick up a bit - mostly varying between 10-5 minutes apart, but still very irregular.  Colin and I were able to walk to a friend's house after dinner and even go get ice cream, and I was just starting to have to slow down a bit and concentrate a little during contractions, though they still weren't really painful yet.

Things really picked up after we went to bed that night.  Around 1AM I woke up.  The contractions had picked up to the point where they were too painful to sleep through, but more worryingly I was shivering like crazy and feeling pretty feverish.  I took my temperature and it was right at 99 (100 being the point at which you have to transfer to a hospital for possible infection). 

I woke up Colin and he helped me work through the steadily increasing contractions, all the while piling sweaters and blankets on me as I kept shivering.  Unfortunately as the next hour progressed my temperature kept rising.  After an hour of contractions coming every four minutes at at least a minute long, despite drinking LOTS of water, my temperature was 100.7 and rising.  We consulted with Serena on the phone and made the decision to drive to UCSF and transfer care there.

At around 3 AM we were on our way.  The car ride was surprisingly pleasant, or at least, not harder to deal with than being in our house was.  When we arrived we went up to labor and delivery and got settled in.  The contractions were quite painful at that point but were surprisingly easy to deal with for me.  Well - easy isn't the right word (as you guys know!), but it was achievable. I was really amazed at how each one came with the rush of endorphins after it finished, making me feel super happy and blessed out.

Unfortunately things went more than a little awry just about now! As they were getting my antibiotics ready, the doctor on duty came in to examine me and do a routine ultrasound to verify the baby's position.  Remember when I said he was head-down that morning?  He had been engaged VERY low for weeks and weeks, in fact.  And yet somehow, in the 15 hours between my exam with Serena and that morning, Kai decided to do a full flip into a footling breech position.  Oops!  The doctor peeked inside me and saw his feet right up inside my obliviously dilating cervix, ready to hit the ground running, apparently.

Well, that changed everything.  With the infection risk and the footling breech position (the most risky one), there was no avoiding an immediate cesarean.  Suddenly it was all release forms and drugs to stop the contractions and all the other unpleasant surgery preparations.  Not at all what we were expecting, obviously, but we managed to stay upbeat and did find the silver lining that no matter what, we'd be meeting our son even sooner than we anticipated.  Moreover, we were lucky in a way that I had the whole infection thing going on landing us in the hospital already.  Otherwise we would have obliviously gone to Sage Femme and then been treated to a surprise ambulance ride to SF General once the breech was found.  Small mercies!

You get a bonus photo here in the blog. :)

Into the operating room I went.  Colin was able to come in too, though not Serena, and before long I was feeling all the SUPER WEIRD feelings pressure and stretching, but without any actual pain or sensation.  The worst part of the actual c-section is definitely not being able to really hold your baby immediately, though I could hear him, and Colin stayed right by his side as they did all the initial exams.  They brought him to my face, and seeing him there - even through the slightly hazy drugs I was on - remains one of the most powerful impressions of my life.  Colin went with him as they took him off while I was sewn up and taken to recovery. 

Colin brought him back to me in the recovery room but I was still pretty out of it from the drugs, plus I managed to overachieve and suffer from a fairly serious hemorrhage, so it was a couple hours before I could really hold him.  Additionally, there were all the various hospital type things that they kept whisking him away to do.  As Colin was going in and out with Kai, Serena stayed with me in my room.  I have such gratitude to her for the support she gave then.  Those hours were by far the most traumatic and painful of the whole experience, and having her there keeping me distracted was beyond valuable.  But when it was all winding down I had Colin and Kai there with me, and that was wonderful.

All in all, of course we're disappointed and saddened that things didn't go as we hoped.  But when it comes down to it, we have this amazing baby who is quite simply the most astonishing, riveting, amazing thing we've ever seen.

[...] At home, things are going awesomely and after we finally escaped the hospital (bleh), we've been very happy and well-rested and in great spirits.  I'm much more mobile than I thought I would be at this point and we're LOVING this new phase in our lives.

Congratulations to all of you!  I hope you all are well and have found your new rhythms. I can't wait to get together and meet all your new little people. 

All the best,

Jess, Colin, and Kai